Funny Text Messages

I want triplets You want twins.Lets get in bed and see who wins!

Of all the babes your my selection.please don’t give me a rejection.my teeth are clean for your inspection so give my mouth a tongue injection!

Viagra now available in eye drops, you don’t get an erection but you look hard!

From the moment I saw u, I wanted to be inside u, I love ur smell, the way ur tongue feels, the way u tighten and loosen mmmmmmmmmmmmm……NEW SHOES!!!!!!!!!!

I had a wet dream about you last night …. I pissed myself laughing when you fell of a cliff!
Click here to read more Dirty Text Message Jokes... (286 words, estimated 1:09 mins reading time)

War does not determine who is right – only who is left.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. “Yes” is the answer.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

If 4 out of 5 people SUFFER from diarrhea… does that mean that one enjoys it?

I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.

I didn’t fight my way to the top of the food chain to be a vegetarian

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
Click here to read more One Liners Jokes... (331 words, estimated 1:19 mins reading time)

Do u take me 2 b ur lawful txt m8,
2 have & 2 hold in rich quotes & horny jokes,
in txt matrimony & in poor signal,
til low battery & no reception do us part?

Last night,
I needed u so badly,
I wanted 2 taste you,
I wanted you in me so you could work your powers on me
but i couldn’t find you
Mr. PARACETAMOL!!!

I saw sumthing in da shop window 2day.
It was stunning sexy cute beautiful & adorable.
I was supposed 2buy it4u till i realised
it was my own REFLECTION
Click here to read more Funny Text Message Jokes... (202 words, estimated 48 secs reading time)

When Jim walked into the office, he knew something was up. There was a message on his desk that the boss wanted to see him as soon as he arrived. The boss didn’t look very happy when Jim reported to his office. The older man didn’t say anything, he just pointed at the newspaper on his desk. It was opened to the sports page, and there was a picture of a smiling Jim, holding up the trophy for winning the local golf tournament the day before. “I just checked. You called in sick yesterday!” the boss said. “What if everybody just claimed to be sick and took off whenever they wanted to? What do you have to say for yourself?” There was a moment of silence in the big corner office, until Jim finally spoke up, “I was really surprised to win the tournament, sir. I have never played that well. Think of the score I could have had if I hadn’t been sick!”

Q: What is the difference between a smart blonde and a UFO?
A: There have been sightings of UFOs.

Q: What do you call a blonde holding a brief case, up a tree?
A: The Branch Manager.

Q: How do you know when a blonde has been making chocolate chip cookies?
A: You find M&M shells all over the kitchen floor.

Q: What’s brown, red, black and blue?
A: A Brunette who’s been tellin one too many blonde jokes.

Q: Why couldn’t the blonde manage to make Ice-Cubes?
A: She couldn’t find the recipe.
Click here to read more Blonde Jokes... (493 words, estimated 1:58 mins reading time)

- Whats the difference between a pizza and a jew?
- A pizza doesn’t scream when you put it in the oven.

- There is a 1000 niggers and one white guy, what is the white guy called?
- Warden.

- There is a nigger and a Mexican in a car. Who is driving?
- Nethier, the cop is.

- What did the black man do first time when they saw a ship?
- They stick they’re head in the water to see if it has wheels!
Click here to read more Funny Racist Jokes... (273 words, estimated 1:06 mins reading time)

Q. What do Easter Bunny helpers get for making a basket?
A. Two points, just like anyone else.

Q. What’s invisible and smells like carrots?
A. The Ether Bunny

Q. Why did the Easter Bunny hide his eggs?
A. He doesn’t want the other bunnies to know tht he was fooling around with the chickens.

Easter has been canceled folks. They found the body.

Do-It-Yourself Easter Kit: 2 boards, 3 nails, and a martyr!

Knock, knock…
Who’s there?
“Ether”!
“Ether” who?
“Ether” Bunny!

When one breeds an angora rabbit with an Easter Bunny is that a cross hair?
Click here to read more Easter Sunday Jokes... (124 words, estimated 30 secs reading time)

Summer Jokes
Q: What did the pig say at the beach on a hot summer’s day?
A: I’m bacon!

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On a cheerful summer holiday weekend a man walks into the butcher shop that has a sign in the window saying “Ground Sirloin: 29 cents per pound.”
“I’m having a cookout this weekend,” the man says, “and I’d like 5 pounds of your ground sirloin, please.”
The butcher shakes his head and says, “Sorry. I’m all out.”
The disappointed man goes down the street to another butcher shop and asks, “How much is your ground sirloin?”
“It’s $3.29 per pound.”
“Three twenty nine?” exclaims the man. “Just up the street they are selling it for 29 cents!”
The butcher smiles calmly at the gentleman and asks, “Does he have any?”
“No. He’s out of it right now.”
“Well,” says the butcher, “When I don’t have any, I can also sell it for 19 cents per pound!”
Click here to read more Summer Jokes and Summer Quotes... (306 words, estimated 1:13 mins reading time)

What did the deaf, dumb and blind kid get for Christmas?
Cancer.

Why do Mummies like Christmas so much?
Because of all the wrapping!

What do wild animals sing at Christmastime?
Jungle bells, jungle bells, jungle all the way!

What do you call an elf who steals gift wrap from the rich and gives it to the poor?
Ribbon Hood!

What do elves learn in school?
The Elf-abet!

Whats happens to you at Christmas ?
Yule be happy!

What do you get if you cross an apple with a Christmas tree ?
A pineapple !

How do you make an idiot laugh on boxing day ?
Tell him a joke on Christmas Eve!

Knock Knock
Who’s there ?
Mary
Mary who ?
Mary Christmas!

What did Adam say on the day before Christmas ?
It’s Christmas, Eve!

What do you call a letter sent up the chimney on Christmas Eve ?
Black mail!

Question: What do snowmen eat for breakfast?
Answer: Snowflakes.

Christmas is the time when people put so many bulbs on the outside of their houses, you don’t know if they’re celebrating the birth of Jesus or General Electric.
Click here to read more Christmas Text Jokes... (121 words, estimated 29 secs reading time)