“I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was “You’ll never find anyone like me again!” I’m thinking, “I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you.””

“It is better to be beautiful than to be good, but it is better to be good than to be ugly.”

A dog is the only thing on earth that loves you more than you love yourself.

A lot of people are afraid of heights. Not me, I’m afraid of widths.

A word to the wise ain’t necessary – it’s the stupid ones that need the advice.

Airplanes may kill you, but they ain’t likely to hurt you.

Be able to go shopping for a bathing suit and not become depressed afterward.

Two things are infinite: the universe and human stupidity; and I’m not sure about the universe.

When you are courting a nice girl an hour seems like a second. When you sit on a red-hot cinder a second seems like an hour. That’s relativity.

Women are wiser than men because they know less and understand more.

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